Feeling
good today. Strangely enough, because yesterday, after launching this blog and
writing out my first post I felt like hell.
It was as
if I’d peeled my skin off and bared every emotion I have for all the world to
see. In short, I felt exposed, so vulnerable and incredible sad.
It was as
if it really was the ending. I really have closed this book, not just turned
the page as I apparently have done in the past.
I just sat
there with the TV on until it was time to go to bed.
This
morning came with a little bit of residue of yesterday and last night, but
thankfully it disappeared pretty quick.
Maybe it disappeared
in the few minutes of expressing my gratitude for all the things I’m actually
lucky enough to have and experience every day.
Maybe it
disappeared during my 15 minutes cord cutting meditation.
Maybe it
was the 15 minute yoga sequence that wiped it off.
Or maybe it
was all of the above combined that did the trick, I don’t really know, but I
certainly intend to enjoy the freedom in feeling good.
I also
decided to make a more distinct ‘after’ mark.
Nothing
very big, just move the bed around in the bedroom, hang up new drapes, make a
commitment to working out and healthy eating – stuff like that.
I just want
to get the hell out of his head and back into mine, where I belong and why not
do it in a way that makes me stronger and healthier from the inside out?
One thing
is for sure: there will be no more searching for him online, not today, not in
the future, not ever. I think the deal with these narcopaths is that we don’t
as much fall in love with them as we get addicted to them. Love is a connection
of the heart and soul, and that's impossible to achieve and feel with these
people, it’s a level of intimacy they never get to/want to share with anyone.
But they do hook us, and the love bombing in the adoration phase is greater and more intense than from
any ‘normal’ person. It’s causing a huge release of feelgood hormones. To me
that flood was like a high – and that spells addiction, not love.
Kicking it
is as hard as it is with any other addiction, but it can be done…
Armed with
this knowledge, I can see the light ahead!
I really can.
Love
Melissa
Blue
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