Just when
you think you've put it ALL behind you, the drama tends to continue... Here is
some advice that can help you disengage with this type of person.
1. Since
sociopaths are takers, they tend to be attracted to givers. If you are
assertive and can stand up for yourself they wont want to tangle with you.
Don't live your life as a doormat, or they will take the invitation to wipe
their feet on you.
2. Do your
best to avoid them socially. If it is someone that you are in a more intimate
relationship with, cut off ties. It sounds harsh, but you have to take care of
you and a sociopath will do everything in their power to see that that does not
happen.
3. If it is
someone you cannot escape such as a family member, limit your contact with them
and seek help from a professional in dealing with them. There are various
support groups both online and off, find one and participate.
4.
Sociopaths thrive on being the center of attention, don't give them that
opportunity. It may be your life, but to them it is just a game that they will
find a way to win it at all costs. You will lose, so don't willing lose any
more than you have to.
5.
Sociopaths seek drama, do not give it to them. Conversations will get twisted,
action will be misconstrued, and you can bet they will come out looking like
the victim. No matter what you do, they will insist that you have violated them
in some way, so don't even give them that chance.
6. Don't
wait around for a sociopath to experience guilt, shame, or remorse for their
actions. It will not happen, they don't see anything wrong with themselves.
They may fake emotions for a short time, but will continue the same behaviors.
7. Do not
ever give a suspected sociopath access to your money or belongings. If you just
met someone who is super charming, and wants your money do not give it to them.
You will never see it again. Be on the lookout for those red flags and don't
ignore them.
8. Sociopaths
often present themselves as experts and work very hard to earn your trust.
Before you give anyone your money, check them out. This is especially important
online where you can't always get a real feel for them.
9. Don't
just accept the references they give you, do a search and find out for yourself
if they have any skeletons.
10. A
sociopath is very good at only allowing the world to see what they want them to
see. If they present themselves as perfect, never making any mistakes, and are
secretive about their past, beware.
11. If you
can avoid it, never get into a legal battle with a sociopath. They are
accomplished liars, and will have the court eating out of their hand in no
time. It will cost you a great deal of time and money, but in the end all it
does is further your stress.
12. If you
begin to suspect you are dealing with a sociopath and things are getting ugly,
document, document, document. Save every bit of correspondence from them, carry
a tape recorder, videotape their tantrums. Keep a journal record of all
interactions no matter how small, they are admissible in court.
13.
Finally, whatever you do, do not try to get even with them. You are playing by
a set of rules, they are making up the rules as they go. While you may be a law
abiding citizen, they will have no problem breaking the law. While you are
bound by conscience, they have none.
"Never
wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty but the pig will like it."
A sociopath
can and will destroy your life if you let them, and they will enjoy doing it.
The most important thing of all is take care of yourself, do not allow
stubbornness or pride to take you in even further. Knowing when to walk away
can be your most important tool when dealing with a sociopath. Use it, and live
to fight another day.
_______________________________________________________________
Dr. M.
Stout (Professor at Harvard Medical School) has outlined 13 rules that people
should follow to deal most effectively with Psychopaths.
1. Accept
that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people do not
often look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender. They look like us.
2. In a
contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has
taken on - educator, doctor, leader, animal-lover, humanist, parent - go with
your instincts.
3. Whether
you want to be or not, you are a constant observer of human behavior, and your
unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help
you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told,
that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone
who did not have it to begin with.
4. When
considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes
regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he
or she has.
Make the
Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single
neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a
serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is
the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as
you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and
less costly.
5. Do not
give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer.
Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
6. Question
authority.
Once again
-- trust your own instincts and anxieties, especially those concerning people
who claim that dominating others, violence, war, or some other violation of
your conscience is the grand solution to some problem. Do this even when, or
especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning
authority. Recite to yourself what Stanley Milgram taught us about obedience.
(At least six out of ten people will blindly obey a present, official-looking
authority to the bitter end.) The good news is that having social support makes
people somewhat more likely to challenge authority. Encourage those around you
to question, too.
7. Suspect
flattery.
Compliments
are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme,
and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit
charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through
flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged
ego and remember to suspect flattery. This "flattery rule" applies on
an individual basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations.
Throughout all of human history and to the present, the call to war has
included the flattering claim that one's own forces are about to accomplish a
victory that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally
laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor, righteous,
and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the human story, all
of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all sides of the conflict,
and in all languages the adjective most often applied to the word war is the
word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when
nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.
8. If
necessary, redefine your concept of respect.
Too often,
we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more
we view him or her as deserving of our respect.
Let us use
our big human brains to overpower our animal tendency to bow to predators, so
we can disentangle the reflexive confusion of anxiety and awe. In a perfect
world, human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are
strong, kind, and morally courageous. The person who profits from frightening
you is not likely to be any of these.
The resolve
to keep respect separate from fear is even more crucial for groups and nations.
The politician, small or lofty, who menaces the people with frequent reminders
of the possibility of crime, violence, or terrorism, and who then uses their
magnified fear to gain allegiance is more likely to be a successful con artist
than a legitimate leader. This too has been true throughout human history.
9. Do not
join the game.
Intrigue is
a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive
sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition
to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what
is really important, which is to protect yourself.
10. The
best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind
of contact or communication.
Psychologists
do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case, I make a very
deliberate exception. The only truly effective method for dealing with a
sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life
altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and
therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is
perilous. Begin this exclusion of them in the context of your own relationships
and social life. You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and
though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such
feelings to hurt.
You may
never be able to make your family and friends understand why you are avoiding a
particular individual. Sociopathy is surprisingly difficult to see, and harder
to explain. Avoid hi/her anyway.
If total
avoidance is impossible, make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of
total avoidance.
11.
Question your tendency to pity too easily.
Respect
should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another
socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent people who are
in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find
yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and
who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred
percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.
Related to
this - I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be polite in
absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being what we
think of as "civilized" is like a reflex, and often we find ourselves
being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged us, repeatedly lied
to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back. Sociopaths take huge advantage
of this automatic courtesy in exploitative situations.
Do not be
afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.
12. Do not
try to redeem the unredeemable.
Second
(third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience. If
you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard
and cut your losses.
At some
point, most of us need to learn the important if disappointing life lesson
that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior - let
alone the character structures-- of other people. Learn this fact of human
life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has - to
control.
If you do
not desire control, but instead want to help people, then help only those who
truly want to be helped. I think you will find this does not include the person
who has no conscience.
The
sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also
not your mission. Your mission is your own life.
Never
agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or
her true character.
"Please
don't tell," often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is
the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-- and sociopaths. Do not listen to
this siren-song. Other people deserve to be warned more than sociopaths deserve
to have you keep their secrets.
If someone
without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what you
are about to read here - that "You owe me" has been the standard line
of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally, and is still so. It is
what Rasputin told the Empress of Russia. It is what Hannah's father implied to
her, after her eye-opening conversation with him at the prison.
We tend to
experience "You owe me" as a compelling claim, but it is simply not
true. Do not listen. Also, ignore the one that goes, "You are just like
me." You are not.
13. Defend
your psyche.
Do not
allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince
you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience. Most
human beings are able to love.
(Source:
Martha Stout - The Sociopath Next Door)
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