Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Another Week In Chaos
Sometimes i
think I’ll never get out, stuck for life.
I’m like a
hamster in its wheel, running, running, running. And getting nowhere.
I’m there
again, sweet-talked and guilt ridden back into abusive manipulative bondage,
and I even know. I can predict every step of the cycle with 100% accuracy. Every
time. And I still do it.
Where I am
now got me thinking of this passage from The Psychopath Next Door ( I can’t
remember exactly how it went, but it’s something like this):
“Psychopathy
infects the full spectrum of humanity. It’s distributed in the population the
same way as lefthandedness is. One would not notice a person as a left handed
until they’re required to write, draw or catch a ball, one may not notice a
psychopath until you see them do something that requires them to have a
conscience. They know enough to fake concern when someone is sick. They know
enough to fake human emotions and behavior to be accepted into society but
they’ll never know what all the fuzz is about. The key ingredient in
psychopathy is a lack of empathy. As a result they are neither truly human nor
truly alive.”
Knowing
this and I’m still looking for the human in the inhuman, still looking for the
warmth in the freezing cold, still looking for love in an inner landscape that’s
more barren than any place else on earth.
The only
thing they have going for them is that other people can’t get their heads
around the fact that someone so cold and stripped of empathy even exist.
I read that
somewhere, and it's so true. That’s what I’m still thinking; he can’t be
that bad?
And then I do
something or say something he doesn’t like, or something happens that really do
require him to have and show some degree of empathy. There’s nothing.
One day I’m
going to make it. One day I’m getting out. One day I’m going to be able to implement
No Contact! And one day it’s going to stick!
One Day!
Melissa Blue
Thursday, August 6, 2015
The Sound of Silence
Be
completely silent, quiet the chatter in your mind… Can you hear it?
That is
what silence, stillness sounds like…
If you’re
not used to silence the mind, you will probably go straight to identifying the
sounds around you, the passing cars, the sound of other people talking, the hum
of the computer, the fridge, the sound of birds maybe, your kids, your animals…whatever
is part of your surroundings.
Try not to
judge or identify, just accept them and listen inward..
I remember
when I first started doing this, what I heard in my mind was a slight buzzing
sound.
It was
weird, but my silence, my stillness had a sound.
Incredibly
fascinating!
I never
really felt heard as a kid growing up.
I could
talk and talk, loudly or quietly, I still felt like nobody really heard me.
People
around me, parents, relatives, friends, they talked, shouted, interrupted…and
nobody really listened…nobody really got what anybody said.
I’m sure a
lot of kids grow up feeling the same way.
It’s
actually not that long ago that I understood the root of all this:
We will never be heard as long as we keep talking – to be heard we have to start
listening.
And it all
begins and ends with oneself.
I learned
this by the art of meditation – by listening inward, paying attention to what’s
going on inside. And now,
these days, chatter, discussions, interruptions, shouting – it actually hurts
listening to it.
But it’s
everywhere, wherever people come together this happens.
People are
so afraid of not being heard, of not getting their points across, that they
shout, they yell, they interrupt, one talk louder than the other. And nobody
is really heard. Because nobody
can listen when they talk. And you
can’t be heard as long as you talk when other people talk – it’s really that
simple.
So much
changed with meditation.
It was as
if I quiet down everything – I turned down the volume of the world!
Learning to
listen inward, I learned to listen and pay attention outward.
We’re
surrounded by chatter and noise every day – sound everywhere.
And
everything is so focused on the outside world and the constant attempts to
drown out these outside sounds enhances that focus and the feeling of not being
heard.
It creates
stress, a feeling of insignificance, feeling of being in a constant
competition, and, like Eckhart Tolle says “You lose yourself in the world.”
So, by
meditating, by beginning to listen inward, we begin to listen outward.
We quiet our
own minds, and turn down the volume of the world.
And we
understand this simple thing: that in order to be heard, we must first learn to
listen.
So simple,
yet…sometimes so difficult to practice.
I have this
one thing I always do:
Whenever I
watch a show on TV, in every commercial break I turn off the sound, close my
eyes, and I check in on my breathing.
These
commercial breaks which used to be so immensely annoying to me before, works
like a mindfulness bell for me now.
It’s little
exercises in mindfulness.
And keeping
this up – steady meditation every day and checking in with my breathing
regularly - over a period of a few weeks
I start to notice how I calm down, how the level of stress reduces, how much
more patient I become, and it even increases my energy level.
But for me,
to get to this level, I had to get through this weird phase – actually
listening to the stillness and that strange humming or buzzing sound of it.
Or maybe it
wasn’t there at all?
Maybe it
was just me being so conditioned to expect sound or noise everywhere and in
everything and label it, actually label everything, that the stillness appeared
to have a sound??
I don’t
know.
I’m sure we
all develop our coping mechanisms to stay sane in an insane world – mindfulness
and meditation practice is mine. Even if it comes with a buzz.
Do you
experience anything similar in your silent moments?
With Love
Melissa Blue
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