“Narcissists
lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional
responsibility. They lie to manipulate. They lie to gain influence. They lie
out of habit. Life is a game to narcissists – a game they have to think they’re
winning – and truth is one casualty in their game plan. The only time a
narcissist has any interest in telling the truth is when it will serve them or
cost them nothing to do so. The rest of the time, they don’t consider it
necessary or important to be all that honest. Honesty can impede their
self-gratification and compromise their powerful persona, and they don’t like
that. To narcissists the truth is frequently “flexible” and optional. There’s
no such thing as an honest narcissist.”
(Things
Narcissists Do – Light’s House)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still no
contact, no words from him.
Good! The
more time I get, the more perspective I gain. The more perspective I gain, the
easier it gets to uphold no contact. Forever.
The lies.
The incredible, unbelievable, outrageous lies!
From the
very beginning. Thinking back it’s amazing that I didn’t catch on earlier,
because they started right away. It was the crazy exes (actually not all that
hard to believe, one of them messaged me obsessively on facebook with all kinds
of threats if I didn’t ‘leave him alone’.)
That was a
little crazy, but armed with what I know now these guys always seems to sail
through and come off like the most balanced, kindhearted, honest and loving
guys in the world, and also the most unlucky in love; they have left behind a
trail of ‘crazy bitches who presented themselves as someone nice just to turn
out to be someone totally different’. They drive people completely off the
hinges, so yes, they really do come off as the squeaky clean ones. The only
ones with emotions invested in the relationship also are the only ones affected
by their insane behavior of course – which can make anybody feel crazy.
We met on a
social media site. It was ‘love’ at first ‘inbox message’ and he was
conveniently (for him) far away, but so charming. He seemed so loving,
compassionate, he cared about the same things I do. At least that’s what I thought,
and what he used as the romantic adhesive.
He loved
animals, I do too, he loved to read, I do too, he loved movies, I do too, he
could mirror my every passion in life, my soulmate.
And turns
out, he really was. Nobody ever smacked me awake more brutally than he did. Nobody
ever expanded my consciousness faster and more effectively than him. He was my ‘before/after’
yardstick.
But from the
beginning he was letting me know that he was nothing if not honest! He NEVER
behaved in any way that he would ever have to lie.
He was
nothing but genuine and kind. According to him.
But his
exes were all crazy though. One had serious mental problems, one was some kind
of home video porn star, another one was crazy jealous for no reason
whatsoever, a couple were total drug addicts…and so on and so forth. According
to him.
A few
months into it I discovered that HE had a serious drug problem.
He also had
a very convenient problem with his short term memory, very selectively though.
He make
promises, he continuously broke. He forgot.
He started
to misquote me, TO me.
He started
to make up stories about me that he actually told me.
He lied
about everything!
Even the
things he would have gotten in less trouble for had he told the truth.
Compulsive and
pathologically…lies lies lies.
And for
every time I exposed one, he covered it up with another lie. Or he flew off the
handle in scary fits of rages.
And he went
offline, just simply disappeared.
Of course
now, I know that absolutely nothing was real with this guy, but for a long time
it really tore me up that he never felt I was worth the truth. With these guys
there IS no truth. Not to anybody. And the moment I stopped taking his lies
personally, I was already halfway out of the relationship.
The comments
from women on his profile pictures with sexual and romantic hints.
His amazing
friendslist with close to 100% women only.
Women calling
him, wanting him to call him back, it was all there in plain sight.
Him still cybersexy
facebook messaging his latest ex after we had established our relationship.
(Yes, his
ex was ‘nice’ enough to forward me one of those graphic chats dated and all. How
he managed to wiggle himself out of that one is still a mystery to me, but he
did)
The messages
from him to another woman where he explained me as a ‘friend’ he was just
visiting.
The messages
were filled with hearts and romantic words.
I
discovered them by accident one day he was messing around with his phone, I was
looking down over his shoulder and asked him who that woman was.
His answer
was: ‘are you gonna get mad over this and ruin the rest of our time together
now?’
So I shut
up. I always did.
Yes, I’m
definitely dealing with the lying aspect today.
Since that
is what more or less was at the base of this whole relationship it’s probably
going to be something I have to unravel and deal with for a long time before I can
make my peace with it.
The lies.
To be held
in the dark about everything.
To be
deceived and betrayed on a daily basis.
It’s a
hellish place to revisit, but to move on I have to put these things to rest. To
face them, realize them, see them for what they were.
And I wonder
who he’s lying to now. Poor woman.
The road to
healing and personal freedom from one of these guys is long and painful.
But there
was a time before him, before them, I was happy, there is a time after him, I will
be happy again.
And that
will make every hurtful sting worth it.
Love
Melissa
Blue
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