Another Week In Chaos

Sometimes i think I’ll never get out, stuck for life.

I’m like a hamster in its wheel, running, running, running. And getting nowhere.

I’m there again, sweet-talked and guilt ridden back into abusive manipulative bondage, and I even know. I can predict every step of the cycle with 100% accuracy. Every time. And I still do it.

Where I am now got me thinking of this passage from The Psychopath Next Door ( I can’t remember exactly how it went, but it’s something like this):

“Psychopathy infects the full spectrum of humanity. It’s distributed in the population the same way as lefthandedness is. One would not notice a person as a left handed until they’re required to write, draw or catch a ball, one may not notice a psychopath until you see them do something that requires them to have a conscience. They know enough to fake concern when someone is sick. They know enough to fake human emotions and behavior to be accepted into society but they’ll never know what all the fuzz is about. The key ingredient in psychopathy is a lack of empathy. As a result they are neither truly human nor truly alive.”

Knowing this and I’m still looking for the human in the inhuman, still looking for the warmth in the freezing cold, still looking for love in an inner landscape that’s more barren than any place else on earth.

The only thing they have going for them is that other people can’t get their heads around the fact that someone so cold and stripped of empathy even exist.

I read that somewhere, and it's so true. That’s what I’m still thinking; he can’t be that bad?

And then I do something or say something he doesn’t like, or something happens that really do require him to have and show some degree of empathy. There’s nothing.

One day I’m going to make it. One day I’m getting out. One day I’m going to be able to implement No Contact! And one day it’s going to stick!

One Day!

Melissa Blue

The Sound of Silence

Be completely silent, quiet the chatter in your mind… Can you hear it?

That is what silence, stillness sounds like…

If you’re not used to silence the mind, you will probably go straight to identifying the sounds around you, the passing cars, the sound of other people talking, the hum of the computer, the fridge, the sound of birds maybe, your kids, your animals…whatever is part of your surroundings.

Try not to judge or identify, just accept them and listen inward..

I remember when I first started doing this, what I heard in my mind was a slight buzzing sound.

It was weird, but my silence, my stillness had a sound.

Incredibly fascinating!

I never really felt heard as a kid growing up.

I could talk and talk, loudly or quietly, I still felt like nobody really heard me.

People around me, parents, relatives, friends, they talked, shouted, interrupted…and nobody really listened…nobody really got what anybody said.

I’m sure a lot of kids grow up feeling the same way.

It’s actually not that long ago that I understood the root of all this:

We will never be heard as long as we keep talking – to be heard we have to start listening.

And it all begins and ends with oneself.

I learned this by the art of meditation – by listening inward, paying attention to what’s going on inside. And now, these days, chatter, discussions, interruptions, shouting – it actually hurts listening to it.

But it’s everywhere, wherever people come together this happens.

People are so afraid of not being heard, of not getting their points across, that they shout, they yell, they interrupt, one talk louder than the other. And nobody is really heard. Because nobody can listen when they talk. And you can’t be heard as long as you talk when other people talk – it’s really that simple.

So much changed with meditation.

It was as if I quiet down everything – I turned down the volume of the world!

Learning to listen inward, I learned to listen and pay attention outward.

We’re surrounded by chatter and noise every day – sound everywhere.

And everything is so focused on the outside world and the constant attempts to drown out these outside sounds enhances that focus and the feeling of not being heard.

It creates stress, a feeling of insignificance, feeling of being in a constant competition, and, like Eckhart Tolle says “You lose yourself in the world.”

So, by meditating, by beginning to listen inward, we begin to listen outward.

We quiet our own minds, and turn down the volume of the world.

And we understand this simple thing: that in order to be heard, we must first learn to listen.

So simple, yet…sometimes so difficult to practice.

I have this one thing I always do:

Whenever I watch a show on TV, in every commercial break I turn off the sound, close my eyes, and I check in on my breathing.

These commercial breaks which used to be so immensely annoying to me before, works like a mindfulness bell for me now.

It’s little exercises in mindfulness.

And keeping this up – steady meditation every day and checking in with my breathing regularly -  over a period of a few weeks I start to notice how I calm down, how the level of stress reduces, how much more patient I become, and it even increases my energy level.

But for me, to get to this level, I had to get through this weird phase – actually listening to the stillness and that strange humming or buzzing sound of it.

Or maybe it wasn’t there at all?

Maybe it was just me being so conditioned to expect sound or noise everywhere and in everything and label it, actually label everything, that the stillness appeared to have a sound??

I don’t know.

I’m sure we all develop our coping mechanisms to stay sane in an insane world – mindfulness and meditation practice is mine. Even if it comes with a buzz.

Do you experience anything similar in your silent moments?

With Love

Melissa Blue

Battle Fatigue & Shell Shock

The narcopath is a human virus – they enter your arena presenting themselves as a mentor, a soulmate, a mirror, someone with answers and solutions to everything. They charm, smooth talk and love bomb their way into your brain, under your skin, into your heart, hook your very soul, and from there they silently and secretly infect your whole being, your whole life with the most deadly human virus of all: the disintegration into their nothingness.

That is what I think.

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Yesterday was the best day I've since implementing No Contact.

Well, my version of No Contact at least. I can’t seem to figure out how to block someone in gmail or stop someone from making new email addys so emails are still sporadically coming in – I just don’t respond to them.

I had invited my best friend through 25 years to dinner and drinks after he offered to mow the lawn for me. A gigantic job I might add, he truly deserved dinner after that.

Just relaxing, talking, eating, drinking wine on the deck in the late afternoon sun was so wonderful I don’t even have words for it.

I could finally talk about it, and I talked about it to someone who listened, and listened with an empathetic ear, mind and heart. There was no judgment, no telling me what I should do, just listening. With a question here and there, encouraging me to fill in the blanks when my story got scattered and jumpy.

After a while I leaned into this warm feeling of safety that I always have with my best friend.

A state of complete trust. A trust that he never even once for as long as I’ve known him, betrayed.

My best friend.

There’s never been any kind of romantic vibes or undertones between us. Straight out friendship. And one that I will never take for granted, because that friendship is the most wonderful relationship I’ve got going in my life. 

Sometimes these relationships don’t get properly valued until it’s a full blown crisis in someone’s life and they are the ones to slap on the raisin bag and step up to the line with you.

These relationships are few and far between. And I’m lucky enough to be part of one.

And as I was talking, confiding, leaning into this safe warm trust I finally realized with every cell in my body how shell shocked and battle fatigued I really am.

I just let it wash over me, not fighting anything.

And when he left a little past midnight, I felt almost brand new.

I was so tired, so unbelievably tired, but after practically purging two years’ worth of crazymaking, gaslighting, push pull action soaked with lies, cheating, and verbal abuse I slept like a baby.

There IS a great life after the narcopath.

I just got a very real taste of it, and know that more is to come.

I’m on the fast track to recovery from the human virus.

Love

Melissa Blue

That Kick In The Astral

That day when you start to feel normal, like a human being again..

That day when you’re finally able to notice and focus on something great going on in your life, not having your thoughts tightly wrapped around him.

When you can breathe without hurt, when your energy level is high enough to do some very needed house work, like cleaning windows, changing drapes, do laundry….and so you do and you kind of mindlessly just check your emails with the coffee while waiting for the spin cycle to finish.

And there he is. And because you’re so conditioned into it you open the email without thinking and read how much he is missing you.. Just that. ‘I miss you’.

And so now you’re right back where you were.

All that good work right down the drain.

All the great energy drained right out with those three words.

And that’s the dance.

The nature of the beast.

Leave her alone, let her build up strength and resistance and then kick her right in the astral by reminding her directly of his existence right before she becomes strong enough not to care what he does at all.

They seem to have a 6^th sense about this.

Damn it!

Well, I started this housework mission, I’ll be damned if I’m giving him the power to stop me midway.

I feel like crap, but he doesn’t have to know that.

For all he knows I’m happy, I’ve moved on.

Because that is exactly what will happen. Eventually.

Thank God for inspirational videos, quotes and blogs.

With Hope & Love

Melissa Blue

Lies Lies Lies! Your Pants Are On Fire, Pinnochio!

“Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility. They lie to manipulate. They lie to gain influence. They lie out of habit. Life is a game to narcissists – a game they have to think they’re winning – and truth is one casualty in their game plan. The only time a narcissist has any interest in telling the truth is when it will serve them or cost them nothing to do so. The rest of the time, they don’t consider it necessary or important to be all that honest. Honesty can impede their self-gratification and compromise their powerful persona, and they don’t like that. To narcissists the truth is frequently “flexible” and optional. There’s no such thing as an honest narcissist.”

(Things Narcissists Do – Light’s House)

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Still no contact, no words from him.

Good! The more time I get, the more perspective I gain. The more perspective I gain, the easier it gets to uphold no contact. Forever.

The lies. The incredible, unbelievable, outrageous lies!

From the very beginning. Thinking back it’s amazing that I didn’t catch on earlier, because they started right away. It was the crazy exes (actually not all that hard to believe, one of them messaged me obsessively on facebook with all kinds of threats if I didn’t ‘leave him alone’.)

That was a little crazy, but armed with what I know now these guys always seems to sail through and come off like the most balanced, kindhearted, honest and loving guys in the world, and also the most unlucky in love; they have left behind a trail of ‘crazy bitches who presented themselves as someone nice just to turn out to be someone totally different’. They drive people completely off the hinges, so yes, they really do come off as the squeaky clean ones. The only ones with emotions invested in the relationship also are the only ones affected by their insane behavior of course – which can make anybody feel crazy.

We met on a social media site. It was ‘love’ at first ‘inbox message’ and he was conveniently (for him) far away, but so charming. He seemed so loving, compassionate, he cared about the same things I do. At least that’s what I thought, and what he used as the romantic adhesive.

He loved animals, I do too, he loved to read, I do too, he loved movies, I do too, he could mirror my every passion in life, my soulmate.

And turns out, he really was. Nobody ever smacked me awake more brutally than he did. Nobody ever expanded my consciousness faster and more effectively than him. He was my ‘before/after’ yardstick.

But from the beginning he was letting me know that he was nothing if not honest! He NEVER behaved in any way that he would ever have to lie.

He was nothing but genuine and kind. According to him.

But his exes were all crazy though. One had serious mental problems, one was some kind of home video porn star, another one was crazy jealous for no reason whatsoever, a couple were total drug addicts…and so on and so forth. According to him.

A few months into it I discovered that HE had a serious drug problem.

He also had a very convenient problem with his short term memory, very selectively though.

He make promises, he continuously broke. He forgot.

He started to misquote me, TO me.

He started to make up stories about me that he actually told me.

He lied about everything!

Even the things he would have gotten in less trouble for had he told the truth.

Compulsive and pathologically…lies lies lies.

And for every time I exposed one, he covered it up with another lie. Or he flew off the handle in scary fits of rages.

And he went offline, just simply disappeared.

Of course now, I know that absolutely nothing was real with this guy, but for a long time it really tore me up that he never felt I was worth the truth. With these guys there IS no truth. Not to anybody. And the moment I stopped taking his lies personally, I was already halfway out of the relationship.

The comments from women on his profile pictures with sexual and romantic hints.

His amazing friendslist with close to 100% women only.

Women calling him, wanting him to call him back, it was all there in plain sight.

Him still cybersexy facebook messaging his latest ex after we had established our relationship.

(Yes, his ex was ‘nice’ enough to forward me one of those graphic chats dated and all. How he managed to wiggle himself out of that one is still a mystery to me, but he did)

The messages from him to another woman where he explained me as a ‘friend’ he was just visiting.

The messages were filled with hearts and romantic words.

I discovered them by accident one day he was messing around with his phone, I was looking down over his shoulder and asked him who that woman was.

His answer was: ‘are you gonna get mad over this and ruin the rest of our time together now?’

So I shut up. I always did.

Yes, I’m definitely dealing with the lying aspect today.

Since that is what more or less was at the base of this whole relationship it’s probably going to be something I have to unravel and deal with for a long time before I can make my peace with it.

The lies.

To be held in the dark about everything.

To be deceived and betrayed on a daily basis.

It’s a hellish place to revisit, but to move on I have to put these things to rest. To face them, realize them, see them for what they were.

And I wonder who he’s lying to now. Poor woman.

The road to healing and personal freedom from one of these guys is long and painful.

But there was a time before him, before them, I was happy, there is a time after him, I will be happy again.

And that will make every hurtful sting worth it.

Love

Melissa Blue