Why Oh Why...

...Would I ever want to write a blog about my unfortunate forks in the road and how I successfully OR unsuccessfully manage to make better choices and grow from my failures and mistakes?

Yes, I do ask myself that question, and I think the answer is this simple:

If I can stay completely honest and authentic throughout (I know, seems weird to use the word authentic when I’m writing anonymously, but then again, to protect the sanctity of my own life as well as those I will inevitably have to write about, that is my choice) my choices, my experiences, my successes, my failures, may actually be of some help to others on the same path through the dark tunnel and toward the light. That is my objective here. So there.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, I don’t even pretend to have SOME answers, other than the answers that works for me. I believe that it’s not about finding the answers, or the truth for that matter as long as you find YOUR answers and YOUR truth.

 

Every single one of them are ultimately a very personal journey and what works for me don’t necessarily work for you, but what I choose to do can work as an encouragement for you to find your 

own way, see?

 

So, today is the first day here, it’s the launch of Ripples 2.0 since the first didn’t work as well as I’d hoped (of course).

I’m about three weeks into single life. Again.

And almost two weeks of no contact.

But still eagerly awaiting the narcopaths inevitable hovering.

I have to stop that.

I was stupid enough to make a search for him online last night, and the horribly unpleasant experience it was to actually find him, active and happy on several social network sites messed me up big time.

I backed out of there faster than anyone can possibly say Facebook. Seriously, I didn’t want to see exactly HOW happy he is and with whom. Enough to say that the churning in my stomach was a bit too real remembering how we met mixed with this discovery.

I spent most of the night trying to NOT feel these awful feelings of betrayal, rejection and hurt. Safe to say that didn’t work, so I took another approach, letting myself feel every bit of it. It was like drowning there for a few minutes but then suddenly it all dissolved, just disappeared. And I fell asleep. A GOOD sleep for the first time in a long time too.

And I woke up with a vision.

Start over, write it out and do it publicly.

I remembered where I was the first time I was in this particular mess with my first encounter with a narcopath and how personal as well as not so personal blogs and websites were the life lines I held on to through the emotional superstorm I had to navigate to be able to finally cut lose.

And here’s the cruel kicker; I fell for it again. 

Another guy, with a little different approach so I didn’t even recognize it until it was too late. And two years later; voila! Same mess!

But it’s a different me this time. Thank God!

This time I'm ready to own my own mess. My own co-dependency is something I have to address as well as doing a complete autopsy of both relationships.

This time I have a navigation plan.

Because if there something I DO know it’s that in spite of what people say, time doesn’t heal a thing! It’s what you DO in that time that adds the healing to it.

If you think about it, if you just sit there basking in the same horrible memories, you can easily find yourself in the exact same place a year, two years, maybe even a decade later. But having a game plan, stepping up to the line and mark the before/after and ACT your way out of misery, then healing is in effect almost immediately.

This is my conviction.

So today marks the first day in actively cutting loose and pave a new way, ripple out my very own brand of self care, self love, self respect and create some boundaries for the first time in my life.

It’s the last time I’m rolling out the red carpet with the words: ’Welcome, how may I serve as your door mat from now on?’

So, this is me!

And on this, day one, I started with a few minutes just simply being grateful for things.

I did a cord cutting meditation and realize I may have to do it every day for the foreseeable future, but whatever it takes. And an added round of yoga.

And right now, I hope I never hear from him again.

Love

Melissa Blue